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Click. "Checking host for new mail". "No new mail".
...
Click. "Checking host for new mail". "No new mail".
...
OK, so you get the point. I'm sat here with my headphones on, doing nothing but clicking on my mail client. I'm waiting for an e-mail. It's an e-mail I don't necessarily want to recieve, but the tension is killing me.
Things are not well between myself and the Evil Harridan. Trouble is, I'm not entirely sure why, or how serious it is, or what can be done to resolve the situation. So we've been e-mailing each other, and I'm dreading every mail that I get, in case it's the "I can't be bothered to deal with you any more. Goodbye." one.
I know I'm not easy to live with. I'm not an easy person to be in love with. Occasionally, the cynical depression that fuels my way through life with a snarl on my face and a glint in my eye gets the better of me. I'm incredibly good at winding myself up into tiny ickle circles, getting even more mopey and harder to deal with as time goes by.
As far as I can tell, the catalyst for this situation is a mutual acquaintance whom, in the fond tradition of Different Colours, I shall refer to as The Trendy. He's an Oxford dweller who's been out of the country for the last few months, and he's returning in about six weeks. He's the Evil Harridan's best friend.
Personally, I don't particularly like the Trendy. I get on with him, I can have a laugh and spend a few hours in his company without him seriously getting on my tits. However, he comes across as someone who isn't trustworthy, and someone who just isn't particularly *nice*. And yet the Evil Harridan thinks he's completely wonderful.
Of course, it doesn't help that she had very very strong feelings before he left. Every time she gets all soppy about him reminds me of that. I feel horribly threatened. She's promised that her feelings for him won't affect us, but I'm not sure I can believe that, or if I'd want it to be true. I asked her what would happen if she were to decide that she would be happier with him than me, and she said that she doesn't think like that. Which is not much of an answer, in my book.
The trouble is, she seems to have so much fun with the Trendy. Presumably, more than she does with me, given that she claims that he was the last person she had fun with. I can't help but feel threatened in this situation, but there's nothing I can do to prepare myself, to sort things out, before the Trendy returns.
Theoretically, the thought of a six-week wait is something I can live with. If I can put off my tendency to over-analyse situations, and stop digging myself into a little hole, then I should be fine. However, it seems that the discussion we had last night has kicked into touch a whole bunch of doubt in my girlfriend's mind, which we're going to have to sort out.
Commitment, lack of commitment, dealing with depression, different opinions of people... all these are things I'm going to have to deal with, despite the temptation to run and hide. I'm too tired, too drained for this. Being dropped from the high of Whitby to the low of my bloody job, combined with having to convince Anathema that I don't hate her, and trying to support various friends who have been, will be, or suspect they might be dumped, have taken it out of me.
I can't run and hide. It's not a mature, or sensible thing to do. If nothing else, we've got a timescale - we're supposed to be taking Jude and going to my parents' house for the weekend, and (quite understandably) the Evil Harridan doesn't want to go if there's conflict between us.
I don't know what to do, or what's going to happen. I'm scared, and confused. I don't know what else to say, really. Wish me luck.
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