To Wish Impossible Things
Sometimes, you hear stories about people fracturing limbs in sporting injuries,
and not realising for hours, days or even weeks. Then, suddenly, something happens
which jars the injury and they're rolling on the floor screaming.
After my encounter with the Scary Ex, and my subsequent pounding at the hands
of The Bastard, I'd thought that I was pretty OK. Badly hurt, shaken, scared and
bruised, yes, but generally intact - I'd be back to my old self after time.
Nothing had challenged that concept, until last night.
Much as I'm in love with the Evil Harridan, it seems that there's one
forgotten, unnoticed injury inside me, which left me in pain last night. I've been
very happily taking our relationship one day at a time, seeing how things went,
and generally being relaxed and groovy. Then she casually mentioned that she'd
been making plans for Valentine's Day, and I crumpled.
Perhaps it's the memory of last Valentine's Day - lying naked in bed with the
girl that I definitely shouldn't have been lying naked in bed with, being
wished a happy day, and feeling like shit and insanely happy all at the same time.
It seems right now that the concept of commitment scares the shit out of me.
Valentine's Day is about 4 months away, and the Evil Harridan says she'd be
surprised if we didn't last that long. I agree. But I'm still scared when I
think about it.
I'm trying not to get angry with the Scary Ex, but it's hard. I love the Evil
Harridan, and I want to give her every support I can. I want us to dream together.
But I'm crippled, and I didn't even realise it. Crippled by the girl who left my
life, taking my heart with her. I hate to think what other unforeseen injuries I
have. I remember all the times that I and she would make insane, half-baked plans
for the future, wishing impossible things, and being happy with our fantasies
nonetheless. Now, it seems, I am denied this pleasure.
